According to its inventor, Dr. Melvin Cheatham, this komfort kollar will protect your cervical spine from injury while you attend Klan rallies, drive go-karts, or just sleep on the plane. Dr. Melvin charges 60 bucks for the kollar, presumably because is made of "luxuriously soft, flexible memory foam," which is more expensive than the plain old air which fills most neck brace sleeping thingies. I do not need one of these kollars because I am skilled in the ancient art of airplane-sleeping: Step 1) lean on the person next to you's shoulder; Step 2) open mouth; Step 3) fall asleep, and you're done. 
I think we can all agree on the obvious problem with this product: NO CUP HOLDERS. Seriously, what the hell? How am I supposed to juggle my venti non-fat no-whip sugar-free vanilla latte and my new Balenciaga bag while pushing this thing down Robertson Blvd? Also, no logo. That pathetic paw print isn't doing it for me. I need something that won't make me feel inferior when I run into my co-stars who are pushing their human babies around in Maclarens.
The Slanket - $49.99
Also known as the "I give up" blanket. All I know is that if Bill Gates doesn't put down the PSP, throw off the Slanket, and peel his ass off of that naugahyde sofa, then the mac guy will have won.
Pet Crate End Table - $199.99 - $299.99
In my experience, doggies do not always make good furniture. Don't get me wrong, I would love nothing more than to use Cricket as a pillow or feet-putter, but it only works when she doesn't fight back, which is never. Feet-putting aside, I know that Cricket would make the worst-ever end table, primarily because she gets all indignant when I try to rest even a magazine on her back. This dog, on the other hand, would make a fine addition to any living room suite. Plus, the last time I bought Cricket a crate (the crate that is right now sitting in the garage gathering dust because we've had two straight years of no house-peeing! Word to Cricket!) I felt so guilty that I got the one sized for a Great Dane, and who needs an end table the size of a bathtub?
Lil' Chill Shot - $149.99
While I wholeheartedly agree with the makers of the Lil' Chill Shot that nothing goes down smoother than an ice-cold shot of my favorite liquor, I'm just not quite sold on the need for this product. On the other hand, I am attracted to the fact that the copy editor clearly knows his hyphen rules. He invites us to treat ourselves with his "hassle-free fill-and-pour system that virtually eliminates spills and features LED illumination for an eye-catching bottle display." Okay, fine. I'm a sucker for grammar. Where to I buy?
Hidden Litter Box - $129.95 - $249.95
Another reason not to have a cat. They are SUPPOSED TO POOP IN YOUR HOUSE. Then they're supposed to walk all over their poop. Then they're supposed to walk all over your house. And you're supposed to pay 250 bucks to house that poop. Why? Whyyyyy?
Towel-Matic - $59.99
Are you too lazy, dumb, and dirty to tear off your own paper towels? If you are, then the Towel-Matic is for you! All you have to do is wave your grubby paw and the built-in optic sensor will automatically identify the perforations on the towel and stop at the right at the line every time. And may I say, THANK GOD. It is a daily struggle for me to find those G-D perforations; I just spin the roll around and around, promoting the spread of germs. Luckily, the makers of the Towel-Matic *guarantee* perfect tearing and promise that their product will help prevent the spread of germs. Now if only someone would only invent a product to help me seal those impossible ziploc baggies.
3 comments:
I want one of those neck thingies for my girls - they fall asleep and wake up cranky from a sore neck. And I also want the crate. Really. That's why I love skymall and have to make myself leave it on the plane.
I'm going to have to block your grammar loving self from my blog.
By the way, you mock me with your ability to try many fancy grocery stores looking for the ras mustard.
Ours are like the corner store in the 3rd ward. You wouldn't want to spend much time there.
naugahyde... tee hee hee
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