dogs feel shame

According to this article, dogs experience complex emotions like jealousy, pride, and DYING OF EMBARRASSMENT. This dog is wearing a scarf with ears. Over his real ears. Why? Whyyyyyy?

I'm sorry if you know her

If you know this person, and if this post offends you on her behalf, then I'm sorry. But I had to take this opportunity to discuss how "ironically funny-ugly" can be taken too far. In fact, ironcially funny-ugly only works if a person is actually naturally pretty. It's like wings and waffles. It has to be sweet and savory. It can't be savory and savory, or there is no irony. Do you understand? So, if you know this person and you are offended, then I'm sorry I called her funny-ugly, but you really need to have a talk with her.

Huh?

overheard in the war room

• Blaine: I took the "which muppet are you?" quiz.
• Alison: Who were you?
• Blaine: Guess.
• Alison: Rolf the Dog?
• Blaine: No
• Alison: Kermit the Frog?
• Blaine: Yes

• Alison: Which one am I?
• Blaine: Cookie Monster.
• Alison: Why Cookie Monster?
• Blaine: Wild Man.
• Alison: You mean Animal? Why Animal?
• Blaine: The Crazy Chef.
• Alison: Forget it.
  

pop quiz!

If you are one of the three people who reads this blog, you should ace this quiz. Thanks for the tip, Ashley!

parenting compatibility test:

Parenting compatibility test, courtesy of Boden (http://www.bodenusa.com/).

Me: Blaine, look at this photo.

Me: What's wrong with it?

Blaine: They're kids.

Me: And?

Blaine: They're dressed like hookers?

Me: And?

Blaine: They're acting like hookers?

Me: And?

Blaine: They're drinking?
Me: Correct.

Okay, maybe they're not acting like hookers, but the one in the middle is definitely going to grow up to be the girl that "forgets" to wear her undies while getting out of the limo.

Shit like that explains shit like this:

Way to go, media.

Question:

What is the worst button you could possibly push when trying to put someone on hold?

Answer:

We know this because Blaine has done this. Twice.

Case study #001:

(phone rings)

• Blaine: Hello?
• Caller: Yes, my name is Mr. Lawyerpants. I'm calling about some work that we did with you a while back. I have some questions about the research data from our case.
• Blaine: (in a smooth-talking radio dj voice) Mr. Lawyerpants, of course! Nice to hear from you again. May I put you on hold?
• Caller: Certainly.
• Blaine: (yelling down the hallway) HEY AL!!! There's this guy on the phone who says he worked with us. He has some questions about something.
• Alison: Who is it?
• Blaine: Mr. Attorneysocks, I don't know. He's on line 1.
• Alison: What does he want?
• Blaine: (irritated) How should I know? Just pick up line 1!
• Alison (attempting to pick up line 1) I can't pick up line 1; you're on line 1. Did you put him on hold?
• Blaine: Oh, @*#&!!!!

Case study #002:

(phone rings)

• Blaine: Hello?
• Caller: Hi, my name is Mr. Saleseyguy and I work for Gotgreatstuff. Can I talk to the person in charge of making decisions about buying stuff?
• Blaine (in a smooth-talking radio dj voice): Sure, please hold.
• Caller: Thanks.
• Blaine (yelling down the hallway) AL!!!! There's someone on line 1 who wants to sell us stuff! Too bad you already have someone who sells you stuff! Guess this guy is SOL! HAHahahaha!
• Alison: (attempting to pick up line 1) I can't pick up line 1; you're on line 1. Did you put him on hold?
• Blaine: OH @*#&!!!!

And THAT's why we don't answer the phones.

p.s. Administrative professionals' day is April 22.

Goatador

Success! We just figured out what Cricket is, and we didn't even have to spend $18.32 on an-home kit to do it (down from $73.27, act now)! Despite loving water, having a square head, and being very, very bossy, she is not a border labbull. She is in fact a Goatador Retriever. Goatadors are very low maintenance; you practically don't have to feed them at all! They can live on day-old refried beans thrown over the fence by your neighbor, leaves daintily pulled from those weird purplish-green bushes, or -- in a pinch -- huge quantities of horse manure. Oh sure, the last one is a little hard to digest, but when the Rodeo is in town, it's really economical. Boyfriends love poopeterians because the burps provide great cover ("It was the Goatador! I swear, baby!"). Watch the serving size, though. Cricket ate so much the other day that she threw up. Horse poop. Out of her mouth. Pooped out of her mouth.*

*It's not an intestinal blockage, don't worry.

costco c-block

Last month, after years of waiting patiently for a Houston commercial real estate developer to finally obliterate one of the last green-ish plots of land within the loop, one of Blaine's lifelong dreams came true: a Costco opened in our neighborhood! It's the opposite of NIMBY, it's YIMBY!

If you are like me, you probably dreamed as a kid of getting locked into a mall or department store after closing time. Sure, you'd be scared at first, but then you'd realize that you could try on ALL of the clothes and make-up, eat Frango mints until you got sick, and then drift off to sleep in one of the beds in the linen department. Your mom would probably be so impressed by your resourcefulness that she wouldn't even ground you when she picked you up the next morning. Where was I? Oh yeah, you could totally live inside a Costco.

But just because you can live in a Costco doesn't mean you should. Poor Blaine, with his wide-eyed enthusiasm bubbling over, trying to sneak a 3-ton box of Little Debbies into the shopping cart. Sorry, buddy! We've already got all those G-D Girl Scout cookies to contend with. Also, just because Costco sells 20lb slabs of Atlantic salmon doesn't mean I want to eat that much. I mean, what if I get mercury poisoning and lose my chance to fill in as Miss Elle Woods in the musical version of Legally Blonde? I am all about the Costco cock-block. If it's not toilet paper, soap, laundry detergent, or a ten gallon drum of Oil of Olay, it's not getting in the cart. We might, though, try to get locked in after closing time.