Economic stimulus package for dummies, brought to you by Skymall

The hucksters at Skymall, who have remained solvent by assiduously underestimating the intelligence of the American public, appear to be turning over a new leaf. Before the economic downturn/recession/depression of 2008, most Skymall merchandise seemed to mock us with their luxurious frivolity.

Take for example "Instant Armrest," which asks "Why spend hours resting your elbow on the hard, narrow factory door panel?" and retails for $19.95 (not to be confused with the "Road Rest" also sold by Skymall, which comes in tan or gray and retails for $24.95). My answer to Skymall: of course I want to cruise down the road with my arm comfortably resting on the door panel, but I shouldn't have to choose between that and my prescription drugs!

Recently, though, there have been signs that the good people of Skymall have heard our pleas. Many of the products on offer in the October catalog seem almost tailor-made to help us through these difficult financial times.

Pet Observation Dome - $29.95

When your tech stocks were riding high, did you spend your weekends watching marathons of "The Dog Whisperer" on the National Geographic channel? Did you then become convinced that your doggie needed to be socialized and exercised for hours and hours each day? And did you then decide that the best way to accomplish this goal was to enroll your "baby" in doggie day care (one named Doggie Woggie or Gucci Poochie) for thirty bucks a day? Typical yuppie mistake. I don't blame you; I blame Cesar Millan. Much to Mr. Millan's chagrin, the new and improved Skymall has your back! Rather than spend $30 each time you take FiFi to school, why not spend $30 just once on the pet observation dome? Step 1: cut a hole in your fence. Step 2: put your dome in the fence. Step 3: make your doggie look through the dome!

Portable Office - $39.99

I for one am relieved to know that the escalating price of chairs will not hinder my productivity!

Airchamber Covers - $799.00 - $999.00

Oops. Did you forget to buy a house before you bought your Ferrari F430 Spider? Don't feel bad; it happens to the best of us! Instead of taking your masterpiece back to the dealership, why not consider storing it in a giant Ziploc baggie? Using this Ziploc baggie is arguably better than any dumb garage would be since the baggie protects your car and lets you rub your neighbors' noses in it. Take that, rest of the trailer park! Thanks Skymall!!!

hello my baby, hello my darlin'. . .

On the way to work this morning, the first two radio stations I tuned in to (yes, I live in the dark ages) were playing 1) with arms wide open, by Creed featuring the insufferably insufferable Scott Stapp and 2) underneath your clothes, by the insufferably flat stomach of Shakira (I bet a dollar that if you click on the Shakira link, you don't make it past 00:36.) My friend Ba and I have a jihad against singers who can only make noises using the backs of their throats. My duties in this jihad consist mostly of (a) screaming "Yeaaarrgh" and changing the channel or (b) not changing the channel, but singing the song in an exaggerated and mocking way such that my version is exponentially more annoying than the original could ever have been with the express purpose of replacing my version in the minds of innocent bystanders (e.g., passengers in my car) thus causing them to hate the song as much as I do if only because they can't stand the thought of my singing it and yet they can think of nothing else the next time the song comes on (see, e.g., Brian Cronin and Wonderwall by the delightfully British Gallagher brothers). This morning, I used tactic (b) on Blaine (yes, we spend 24 hours a day together) to great effect. I only wish I could have toggled between the two songs, so I could knock out two infidels with one car ride. Now I will devote myself to enemy combatant #1 -- 4 Non-Blondes. Viva la Revolucion!

IF I did it. . .

Someone tinkled a little bit on the stairs. I'm not saying I DID do it, just that if I did it was probably because I sneezed REALLY, REALLY hard.

Oh the weather outside is 89 degrees and humid. . .

Have you ever had one of those days where nothing seemed to be going your way? Maybe your 401K was obliterated when the Dow lost a billion points, or perhaps your entire house was washed down Allen Parkway during Hurricane Ike. Worse yet, maybe you woke up to find that the cute pixie-ish haircut you fell asleep with turned into an unmistakeably female softball coach-type mullet overnight. If you need to turn your frown upside-down, you can do what I do -- visit your local Hallmark store to listen to the soothing sounds of Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer. . . in October! Thank you, good folks at Hallmark, for reminding me about the truly important things in life!

reasons my friends will be struck down

Yesterday my friend (who shall remain nameless lest I hasten her struck-down-edness) and I were discussing how much Matilda Ledger is starting to look like her late father Heath. (Don't judge us; we had already covered the vital issues of the day: Britney's new body and the scourge of High School Musical). My friend's take on Matilda and Heath? "She should go as the Joker for Halloween." Zap!

Different nameless friend, discussing whether Thimerosal can cause Autism, tells me she already knows what causes Autism: Jenny McCarthy. And zap.

that's what she said

At the dentist the other day, I was getting fitted for a mouthguard (on account of I grind my teeth at night) and the dental hygenist told me "relax your cheeks."