Goatador

Success! We just figured out what Cricket is, and we didn't even have to spend $18.32 on an-home kit to do it (down from $73.27, act now)! Despite loving water, having a square head, and being very, very bossy, she is not a border labbull. She is in fact a Goatador Retriever. Goatadors are very low maintenance; you practically don't have to feed them at all! They can live on day-old refried beans thrown over the fence by your neighbor, leaves daintily pulled from those weird purplish-green bushes, or -- in a pinch -- huge quantities of horse manure. Oh sure, the last one is a little hard to digest, but when the Rodeo is in town, it's really economical. Boyfriends love poopeterians because the burps provide great cover ("It was the Goatador! I swear, baby!"). Watch the serving size, though. Cricket ate so much the other day that she threw up. Horse poop. Out of her mouth. Pooped out of her mouth.*

*It's not an intestinal blockage, don't worry.