overheard in my house

• Blaine: "Blinded by the light. . . wrapped up like a deuce, you know that woman isn't right!"
• Alison: "What did you just say?"
• Blaine: *sigh* "Just correct me."

genius!

While most political campaigns might shy away from using spray-painted threats to get the vote out, Obamites boldly go where others fear to tread. I like that the Obama camp has done its homework on my transitional neighborhood (go one block past the liquor store then take a right at the razor wire, third house on the right!) and deduced that what matters most to us is street cred, biatch! If you want to rep us, you have to come hard! You got my vote!

these are so cute, but. . .

whoever designed these bags has obviously never seen Cricket take a 5lb poo. I bet you a dollar he's some poncy graphic designer who owns a Chihuahua named Thelonious. Cricket has chunks of guys like him in her stool.

Tomato, Tomato

Schadenfreude: The feeling I had when Blaine said "Freudenschade" at dinner last night.

Similar to when he described a scene from "You Have Been Served" and my then 16-year-old cousin said, "Um, are you talking about "You Got Served?"

if you are not a yuppie in a long-term relationship, this post will make you gag

Don't you love it when you can find great couple friends? The kind where the girls get along and the guys get along and neither girl hates the other girl's guy for being an overgrown frat rat (I was going to say douchebag, but I think I overuse that term) and neither guy hates the other guy's girl for being a big drama queen? When I left Austin, I left my bestest couple friends behind. Sure, we see each other when we can, but what's a couple to do if the desire to drink beer strikes at 10:00 on a Sunday morning and another couple's presence is needed to legitimize, I mean "add to the enjoyment" of it all? Here is what a couple is to do: start stalking other couples. (Note to parents of young children: I've always heard that eventually your circle of friends will be comprised primarily of the parents of your kids' friends. I think that would be fantastic, kind of like having a fully-stocked private game reserve for your stalking pleasure. However, since Blaine and I do not have kids (yet), we have to do this guerilla-style). I think we have gotten very good at stalking -- all of the people we know fit into the "great couple friends" category.

Here is a photo of us with our first victims:

And here is a photo of me with the girl-half of our latest victims (I still haven't mastered that posing thing).

Oh sure, she lives in Palm Beach, but so what? She's smart, gorgeous, and has tons of snap to her. And she probably wouldn't judge me on that whole beer-at-10:00a.m. thing. So if you're an aging hipster who lives in the Houston area and would love to hear stories about my dog, watch out because I will probably ferret you out shortly. The moral of the story: stalking pays!

arm hairs standing on end

isn't it ironic?

Unless you are an undercover cop, the very best reason for using a public restroom is the XLerator. The XLerator is the most impressive hand dryer in the entire world. It provides air velocity of 16,000 LFM (linear feet per minute) which, in layman's terms, means it blows so hard that you can see all the veins and bones in your hand. I have a pre-existing fascination with the hand dryer because I have an extremely low tolerance for the nano-seconds between the time I leave the warm shower and when I am completely dry. An invention that will make somebody rich someday: a wall-mounted, person-high bank of hand dryers that can dry you off and keep you warm at the same time. Since there isn't one of these on the market yet, I compensate by drying myself with a hair dryer and a towel. So when I was trying to convince Blaine that we should buy five of these for the master bathroom and one for the kitchen (think of all the paper towels we could save! You (a noted germophobe) could wash your hands as much as you like and never use a single tree!) I spilled an entire mug of coffee on my computer, which required, wait for it. . . a whole roll of paper towels to clean up.

3.0 GPA

I think it has been well established that I treat Cricket like she is a human baby, but I'm pretty sure she's a dog. A dog who doesn't like to share her toys. At all.

mini project

Go into your local Victoria's Secret store and ask the 19-year old salesgirl if they have any slips. $20 says that she will either a) stare blankly at you until you explain what a slip is (the tricky part will be getting her to understand that you want to wear it UNDERNEATH your clothes) or b) show you one of these:

Thanks, kiddo. That'll go great under a sweater dress.

seriously?

Is this really the best way to change that lighbulb? I mean, I know the ladder is all the way downstairs in the garage, but. . .

Do you have to stand on your tippy-toes like that?

And do you have to do it in your SOCKS?

Also, did you have to put the barstool so close to the edge of the step?

Five bucks says that your father will look at these photos and say, "Holy crap! Janet, look at this moron! Did he never listen to a word we said?"

for the redneck who has everything

I'll admit it, I was as ready as the next tofu-eating, Larry-the-cable-guy-eschewing, doggie daycare using yuppie to ridicule the Back-Up; that is, until I read the FAQ section on the Back-Up's website. Now I'm completely sold. Don't believe me? Read on. The logic of the Back-Up is inescapable. Now all I need to do is sleep in my glasses and hope that the tooth fairy doesn't hit up the wrong house by mistake.

What is The Back-Up©?

• The Back-Up is a rack that allows you to keep your shotgun within easy reach. Many people keep their guns on a bed stand, under a bed, in a closet or standing in a corner. However, none of these locations are safe because they do not give you easy access to your defensive tool when you really need it. Protection is effective only when it is readily available and easily used. Our unique patented design gives you quick and easy access to your protective device, while conveniently staying out of the way.

Why would I use The Back-Up© with a shotgun rather than a handgun?

• While it is always best to use a weapon that you can handle and you are trained to use, there are several reasons why a shotgun is better than a handgun:
  A shotgun is visible and intimidating. You may be able to scare off an intruder without firing a shot.
  While a handgun uses merely single bullet, a shotgun has a spread pattern, which makes it easier to hit your target when you are under the stress of a home intrusion.
  Shotguns are safer for people in adjoining rooms. If you miss an intruder with a handgun, the bullet will go though the wall. A shotgun, using #4 shot, will stop any intruder but will not penetrate completely through many types of walls.

I already have a shotgun handy. Why not keep it where I have it?

• Because you would have to get up and find it, losing valuable time.

Will The Back-Up© scratch or mark my shotgun?

• The special Polymer material will not scratch the stock or the barrel of your shotgun. Also, both sides of the gun abut the padding and box spring on one side and the bedding on the other. Therefore there should be no occasion for The Back-Up© to scratch you shotgun.

I sleep on the right side of the bed. Can I use it there?

• Because of our unique patented design, you can adjust to fit The Back-Up© on either side of the bed, placing it where it is most convenient for you. In fact, we suggest you have The Back-Up© on both sides of the bed.

I travel a lot for business or hunting. Is The Back-Up© portable?

• Yes The Back-Up© is very light and portable. The unique patented design and construction gives you the ability to collapse it easily for travel, and place it wherever you need it.