Grrrrrr!

I love the Prius, I do. But let's talk about horsepower for just a sec. The Allroad had almost 300hp. The Prius has 110hp. 110? Are you freaking kidding me? Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to drive the mean streets of Houston with 110hp? People tailgate, cut me off in traffic, yell obscenities at me. . . a senior citizen gave me the finger while whizzing past me on a Segway. . . Do they think I WANT to go this slowly? It's so maddening! It hurts my feelings! I get so ticked off, sometimes it makes me just want to. . .

do you know me?

I found this photo in one of my computer files.

• Knock knock
• Who's there?
• I really have no idea. Seriously, who the hell is this?
  

somebody's baking brownies

Disconcerting: At this moment, the ladies' restroom in my office building smells like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.

how awesome would this be?

Peanut butter flavored milk? That would totally hit the spot.

what you swattin' at?

In the last couple of weeks, I have noticed several telltale harbingers of Spring. Wildflowers are in bloom, families crowd the local parks, baby animals abound, and angry mama-birds have once again taken to dive-bombing me and Cricket on our walks along the hike-and-bike trail. Alas, I have yet to discover an effective way of communicating to these mama-birds that "WE DON'T WANT YOUR LITTLE BABIES, SO PLEASE STOP PECKING AT MY EYES!!!" Because she is from the streets, Cricket is completely at ease with being dive-bombed -- even when the blue jays and mockingbirds (the crips and bloods of birds) actually swoop down and peck her on her butt with their sharpened beaks. I, on the other hand, completely lose my sh*t. Blaine, on the other other hand, completely and totally loses his sh*t. We call his reaction "the windmill," because he looks exactly like a windmill, if windmills could run in zig-zags and thrash their heads around while screaming.

in the living room

Signe Grushovenko works with her husband to create these paintings, which are based on old photographs. Her husband first applies a colorwash to stretched linen supports, then she uses pastel crayons and oils to draw and paint the final images. We bought this one:

Greece vs. Turkey

YOU decide. . .

I said a SPECIAL treat!

The other day, Blaine went to Walgreens to pick up some allergy medicine because he is allergic to the entire city of Houston. Either that, or he has contracted a rare and deadly disease from walking under the Waugh bat bridge (it's kinda hard to tell based on what I read on the internet). Regardless, Wal-zyr was required. Whenever Blaine makes a trip to the store without me, I like to play the game BRING ME BACK A SPECIAL TREAT!!! Sure, it's not so much a game as it is one of those annoying little tests that people in relationships like to administer to each other (let's try to figure out what he thinks of me based on what he brings me! PANTYHOSE? What the HELL?!?), but I like it and basically anything you bring me from Walgreens is going to be awesome. I love Walgreens because it is chock-full of things like Lip Smackers' Dr. Pepper flavored lip gloss, Milky Way Midnight bars, Us Weekly magazines, those weird goat milk soaps from Mexico, old timey aftershave that smells like lime and bay leaves, etc., etc. This is what Blaine brought me:

Aww yeah! Take me away!!!

It's not your fault. Slentrol can help

• Are you more than 20% over your ideal weight?
• Do you have difficulty with your joints?
• Heart problems?
• Trouble breathing?
• Do you find it difficult to stand up?
• Greet people at the door?
• Run?
• Play?
• Are you a doggie?

If you answered yes, Slentrol can help.

At long last, science has taken a stand against the problem of canine obesity. Canine obesity is not only dangerous to a doggie's health, but it can also be very damaging to a doggie's emotional wellbeing. Too often, obese doggies are teased and bullied by other doggies at the dog park and are subjected to discrimination in the workplace. Most doggies who have tried dieting and exercise know that there is a genetic component to obesity. It doesn't have anything to do with self control, so you can just put down your copy of Men's Health and stop judging. Eating raw spinach and almonds and doing squats just does not work for everyone.

But now, with the introduction of Slentrol, obese doggies can look forward to feeling foxy again. And you will never have to answer the question, "does this collar make me look fat?" ever again.

Slentrol is an appetite suppressant, which helps cut down on those midnight pantry raids. (Late at night, I often hear Cricket unscrewing the lid of the peanut butter jar and pouring herself a beer). Oh sure, the adverse reactions of Slentrol may include vomiting, diarrhea, anorexia, and dehydration, but at least these side effects are consistent with the stated goals of the pill (weight loss, baby!) These Slentrol geniuses have thought of everything, and just in time for swimsuit season!

invention that should be making somebody rich but is not for profit

A while ago, I lamented the fact that people who have a size 6.5 right foot and a size 7.0 left foot can't buy shoes a la carte to fit their freakishly mismatched feet. Nikki suggested that I find someone with a size 7.0 right foot, a size 6.5 left foot, and my same taste in shoes to go nuts with at Nordstrom. Megan took it one step further and posited that there oughta be a group whose sole purpose is to facilitate matchmaking between complementary-footed and like-minded people.

Well brace yourselves people, because NOSE is here to satisfy your needs!!! The National Odd Shoe Exchange was founded in 1943 by Ruth Rubin-Feldman, a polio survivor who had "feet of significantly different sizes." Wartime rationing made it difficult for Ms. Rubin-Feldman to buy two pairs of shoes, so this spunky little chicklet (I'm assuming that she's spunky. I'm also assuming that she looks like little orphan Annie) took matters into her own hands. Way to go Ruthie!

When my friend Lindsey sent me the link to NOSE, I was so psyched, because I need ("want," whatever) these shoes. My excitement was tempered however when I read the various reasons why people use their NOSE (amputation, club foot, missing toes, extra toes, etc.). I contemplated faking "drop foot" (because who even knows what that is?) for acceptance into the exchange, but then I read that NOSE prides itself on being "unsullied by moral constraints." SCORE!!! Do you think they have Manolos?

recipe for the perfect party

2oz premium tequila
1oz gran gala
1oz cointreau
sweet and sour
a splash of o.j.

You will be drunk-dialing your friends (and strangers) before you know it!

Happy Birthday Joey!!!

weekend project

Do you think this is easy?

Most "things to do before you die" lists will tell you to do stuff like climb Mt. Everest (great idea if I didn't get winded from standing perfectly still in Denver), run a marathon (yawn), swim nekkid with dolphins, learn Farsi, etc. I think learning this dance to this song will be much more useful to me in my life.

I hate jogging

It is a well-documented fact that I hate jogging. An adverse yet also well-documented fact is that the only way to make Cricket tired enough to let me watch Must See T.V. Thursday in peace is to take her on a mini-marathon around the hike and bike trail. The problem: how to do this without jogging. The solution: SKIPPING.

My name is Alison and I love skipping. I used to skip only behind closed doors, making circles around my dining room table. Occasionally, I would skip outside at dusk when nobody else was around. But yesterday, in plain view of at least four normal-seeming strangers, my ipod played Jenny From the Block. I dare you to listen to this song and not skip or have some other kind of involuntary rhythmic response (no, gagging does not count). Then, to seal the skipping-in-front-of-other-people deal, that mischievous ipod played Jurass Finish First. Listen to this song and you will see that I practically had no choice. In case you are not ready for skipping, another potentially viable alternative to jogging is marching, which you can totally do even if you can't straighten your arms all the way (175 degrees!!!)

Countdown to 180

I got a big head and small arms. . .

For the last few months, I've been going to CrossFit Houston. I (along with many other zealots) am completely obsessed with this workout. In particular, I am crazy about the idea of doing pullups. A couple of weeks ago, I managed to do three unassisted pullups on the monkey bars along the buffalo bayou hike and bike trail. Sure, my pullups involve lots of bicycle kicking and flailing around, but still -- the chin went over the bar, so I say success! Then last Friday, Nikki and I went to what I thought would be a routine CFH workout:

10, 8, 6, 4, 2 front squats (45lb)

10, 8, 6, 4, 2 push press (45lb)

10, 8, 6, 4, 2 thrusters (45lb)

10, 20, 30, 40, 50 pullups

10, 15, 20, 25, 30 burpees

The pullups were to be done using a rubber band that would relieve some of our body weight, making the pullups easier. Also, I had done three whole pullups on my own, so this all sounded eminently reasonable. At some point during the last round of pullups, my hands started to burn. I looked down to see three open, bleeding blisters on my palms. And I noticed that the ligaments in my elbows were starting to feel like chewed gum. Puzzling. Nikki, a math major in college, had added up the reps and informed me that when all was said and done, we were to have done 150 pullups. Damn that Montessori school!!! If I could add properly, I would have known to run away from this workout (but I can pour liquids like a mofo).

At any rate, from Friday night until this very moment, I have not been able to straighten my arms. On Saturday, my elbows were cocked at a rigid 90 degree angle. Today, they have relaxed to a somewhat less overtly-freaky 135 degrees.

In case you decide it would be great fun to try doing a bunch of pullups, I have compiled a list of tasks for you to accomplish before your pullups, as you will not be able to do them once you are finished with your pullups and have open blisters on your hands and 90 degree elbows:

• Get things down from high shelves
• Shampoo your hair without wearing plastic gloves (or in my case, ziploc baggies)
• Put your hands in your pockets
• Pull up your own pants
• Turn your car (driving in a straight line is okay)
• Sleep on your back (unless you are not creeped out by sleeping with your arms crossed over your chest, like at a funeral)
• Close the hatchback on your car
• Give someone directions

Good luck!